It's Okay Not To Know It All

Tuesday, 27 June 2017

It's Saturday night. I'm sat beneath my quilt cover, ignoring the fact that I am beginning to slowly overheat and instead favouring the notional feeling of safety with my feet tucked away. My hands are cradling a mug of chamomile tea in an attempt to tire out the endlessly turning cogs within my brain and in the hope that my eyelids will soon start to become heavy.
It's the first real moment that I have had to myself this week, the first real moment that I am able to sit and reflect on the goings on around me, the events that have occurred, and how my life is beginning to change. 

Life is strange. Complicated. Stressful. Beautiful. Fragile. It's made up of every decision you ever make, every person you allow in your life, every event that shocks you to the core and every emotion that you allow yourself to feel.
It's amazing. You can reach out your hand to grab another and interlock fingers as if they were made for no other reason. You can kiss, smile, play, touch, feel. You can find somebody that laughs at the same dumb jokes that you do. You can choose to be whoever that you want to be. You can make great decisions, you can make bad decisions, all with consequences and all filled with lessons to be learnt. You can have your cake and eat it, no matter what anybody says. You can say yes, or you can say no, with difficulty or with ease. You can run and jump high over obstacles or you can slow right down and run the other way. You can be impulsive, or you can take your time. You can be whoever you want to be, shaped with everything that you have done and that you will do.

My life right now isn't what I expected it would be when I hit the age of twenty-five. I thought I would know who I am, what I wanted, what my next steps were and who I'd wake up to every morning. I thought I'd have it all figured out. I thought I'd know it all.
'It all' is far from what I know. 

But I'm not too sure that I want to, either.

If I knew it all, then where would be the surprises? The unexpected? The terrifying yet exciting thoughts of 'what if?'. If I knew it all, then I'd know exactly where I was going, what I was doing, what I'm heading towards, and then if I knew all that, then, would there be any point at all?

Life is interesting, to say the least. Busy, intense, full-on and miles from anything I imagined it would become. But it's mine. And as soon as I learnt that it's not possible to control everything, I learnt that it's actually okay not to know everything either.

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Where Have I Been?

Saturday, 22 April 2017

I'm not entirely sure when I lost myself in the blogging world - When the words I typed on the screen became so vague, so empty.

I saw bloggers' upon bloggers' surrounding me, becoming successful and becoming absorbed into a world that I could not keep up with.
The latest products, the exciting brand collabs, the five star restaurant reviews - all of which I have no grasp of, no understanding of, and that I feel universes away from ever achieving.

Which is when I realised. I've become so misguided, so lost, because I'm turning round in circles in a maze that only be navigated in sharp corners. 

I didn't start blogging to be successful, in any sense of the word. I didn't begin blogging because it would bring me opportunities nor a lifestyle that I (still) can't quite fit into. I started blogging because I enjoy writing my thoughts onto the screen - I enjoy being able to word thoughts with my fingers in a way my tongue will never have the strength to conjure from the jumble in my head.

I love writing from my heart. Spilling my guts onto a keyboard  that somehow just seems to understand the flow of my fingertips, collects individual letters and stores and shapes them in a way that I could never voice out loud.
I've never quite understand how that is, how I can be so utterly rubbish at speaking out loud, at saying things I feel, but I'm able to pour out so openly with a few audible tip-taps.

And that's where I think I have gone wrong.
I forgot to blog for me. I forgot to write stories that I want to tell, I forgot to write my feelings in a way that only I can. I became convinced that people wanted to read product reviews, to see recommendations and any latest shopping hauls. I prioritised materialism and failed to make way for my own anecdotes and my own little rambles.
Which is daft, when you think about it, because in a world with so many of us having our own say on matters, the only USP that we all really have is ourselves.

So, I think I'm back to blogging; But I'm back to blogging for me.

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Jamie's Italian, Leeds: Super Lunch Menu

Two Thousand and Seventeen

Saturday, 11 February 2017

In 2017;

I will work on my confidence, my wit, my value. I shall flirt and touch and not be afraid, I'll sing a song, tell a joke, read a poem out loud; I shall make somebody feel special and I shan't be afraid to express my feelings.

I shall read book upon book, immersing myself in my own imagination and becoming lost within the lines of a world that is so far from my own. I shall not feel guilty for watching an entire series of a Netflix show within a day or two, because it’s what I enjoy in the moment that counts.

I shall take my camera everywhere I go, to remind myself that phone photos are great, but the feeling of taking a great photo on my camera is analogous, if not better, to that on my iPhone. I shall spark the creative side of my mind back up and rediscover the enjoyment that I once felt when sat surrounded by scrap paper and equipped with a stick of glue. I shall learn a new skill.

I will take chances and push limits. I shan’t feel as if I am a nuisance nor a burden, I shall take charge of what I want and, need it be, be frightened later. I will find my courage once again and I shall find my way – whether it requires knocking down obstacles or embracing what is already on my path.

I will begin to shape myself into the person that I want to be without punishing myself along the way. I shall find my strength and bravery, and discover my worth. I shall make 2017 one that I can look back on as the year that I found happiness.

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2016: Love, Life & Laura.

Tuesday, 3 January 2017

Every year I write this post out in categories, summarising each aspect of my life in three tight boxes.

If I even began to attempt to fit this year into boxes, they'd be bursting out at the seams like an overpacked suitcase. I'd be sitting on the words attempting to zip them up into a case in which they would refuse to fit, meaning I'd have to remove some, condense the thoughts that hold equal importance to the ones that are able to fit in the box, and only touching the edges of what has been an overwhelming year.

So, for this year, I'm throwing the boxes out because I've had enough of damn packing.*

Tiergarten Schönbrunn, Vienna, Austria | Interrail

Wednesday, 7 December 2016

We went to Vienna for one reason and one reason only. The zoo. 
As two zoology students travelling, would you expect any less?

Vienna Zoo is the oldest in the world - and that time has made it the best zoo that I have ever visited. It helps that it is based in Schonbrunn Palace grounds, which are absolutely beautiful and live up to the expectations that you imagine when the word 'palace' crops up.

Tropicarium, Budapest | Interrail

Tuesday, 29 November 2016

On our final full day in Budapest, we chose to visit the Tropicarium (or the aquarium if we wanna stick to basics up in here).

We chose to walk there. Because we are tits. Cue getting completely lost, ending up in a horrendous part of Budapest, having to buy data to use Google maps that still didn't help very much, ending up next to many strange buildings and finally finding the tropi-aquarium - in an indoor shopping centre. A's exciting 'biggest aquarium in Europe' turned out to be the 'biggest indoor aquarium in Europe', which still wasn't impressively big. But hey ho. It was an experience all-in-all, and a story to tell.