You are.

Wednesday, 11 February 2015

Photo by Ema Crompton

Cross-legged, cup of tea to my left and the humdrum of whatever e4 has to offer today in the background, I thought I'd have a little chit chat with you guys.

I've been to a fair few events and done quite a few things lately, including the reon rave, vegas event, #nyldnmeet, and another event that I have yet to post - and because of these, I haven't been writing quite as personal as I originally was. I miss sharing with you guys.
I don't want to be one of those kinds of people that has a blog full of posts that are repetitive and expected, I want to keep it as my own personal place - like a diary - as well as documenting all of the (super cool) things that I get up to. So, here I am, blabbering away.

I've been feeling a little out of the life loop lately. Little things have developed into big things in my head and I've found myself backing away from situations that I would normally not think twice about. It could be due to my curse of over-thinking situations, but also because I'm not feeling entirely secure in myself anymore.
A fair few things have happened lately that I've had to force myself to not back-up-into-a-corner-like-an-injured-puppy about, because most of the time they are silly, but mainly because I'd usually not care at all.

The closer I get to the end of uni, the more lost I'm feeling. I'm massively sick of people asking me what I'm going to do and what I want to do. I'm so fed up of the pressure of jumping into something straight away, and if I had a sock in my hand every time somebody recommended a job vacation to me, that sock would surely be shoved into their mouths. Give me a break.

There are so many things that I want to do in life, and there are so many stepping stones on the way to a career that I want to balance on for a while, in order to build upon myself: Travelling, a chance at being a Disney Princess, living in America, working in wildlife rehabilitation, I want to do all of these, and how am I supposed to do this with a career weighing on my shoulders?

I need to build upon my confidence, build upon my experiences and push myself to new limits in order to learn and grow. I don't want to grow within a business, I want to grow within myself.

I was watching The Simpsons the other day, and one scene struck a chord with me. I know, it came as a shock to me too - The Simpsons?!. Anyway, Lisa became attached to a supply teacher, Mr Bergstrom, and as he was leaving Springfield, he said to a distraught Lisa whilst handing her a note:
“Whenever you feel that you’re alone and there’s nobody you can rely on, this is all you need to know”

How could something so simple make so much sense?

You are who you are.
I am Laura Blake.

I'm not what people want from me. I'm not the advice I have been given. I am not the expectations that people have. I am not the member of the family that is destined to achieve greatness. I am not the perfect friend. I'm not what other people see me to be. And (sadly) I'm not a Victoria's Secret model.
I'm just me.

There are many things that I want to be, that I could wish all that I want to be, and I can easily sit for a while and wish I was different in more ways than one.
You could sit there and wish I didn't say some things I say, wish that I was nicer, better looking, a better friend. You could wish that I didn't exist or that I was more like your best friend. But I can't be.

I am Laura Blake.

I am the stacked building blocks of every time that I've been hurt, every lesson that I've learnt, every happy memory,every friend that I have, and that I have lost. I am a product of almost 23 years of living.

I am Laura Blake. I am not a future career. I am not a pressurised future, and I am not a product of your expectations.

So, quit it with your pressures. Everything that I do from now on, and after university, may not lead me to a perfect post-graduate career and great popularity, but it's what I want to do. Everything that I do is going to make me, me. 

And you? You are you. That one thing weighing on you? That one person pressuring you? Those things that are expected of you? Just stick your middle finger up to them. Do what you want to do, do things in your own time, and live life the way that you want to, not the way that you are expected to.

You are exactly who you are supposed to be.

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