Dear 15 Year Old Me

Dear Laura,

You're 23 now, and guess what? You're okay. You survived the heartbreaks, the breakdowns, the loss of friendships, and most importantly you found yourself. This is the most important thing, please don't give up.

The relationship you're in now? It fucks up. I wish I could put that into much nicer words, but I honestly can't. You can't be prepared for what you are going to find out, and for me to tell you would make your life run its course much differently - but it'll hurt. It'll hurt so much. But you'll get through it and meet somebody else, completely unexpected - and do you want to know a secret? They're in your life right now. You are going to love them. You are going to love them so much that you will be scared to ever say it to them, and you never will. They'll fill your heart with so much happiness that everything else seems irrelevant. They'll make one of your biggest dreams come true too - excited yet?
Before you love that someone, you are going to be with somebody that sticks around for a long time. But please, don't hold back, don't allow yourself to fall when they fall, and stick to your guns when you have suspicions - because those suspicions are right, and you god damn don't need to be treated like a fool. Don't hesitate to stand up for yourself.

Enough about relationships, let's talk about you. Stop defining yourself in labels. Stop drinking so much alcohol because you feel shit, and stop skiving school. Just stop it. Stop pulling the wool over your teachers' eyes, and stop being so hard on yourself.

Start eating more. Stop hiding food. Eat your breakfast. Please. For your just-turned-23-year-old-breastless-self, please eat. You're depriving your body and you've restricted yourself from developing. If you sort yourself out, then maybe we'll feel less oblidged to save £6,000 to fork out for a boob job - we can go to America so many times with that, man!!! Please. A sandwich is much cheaper. Soon enough, you're going to LOVE food. I know it looks gross now, I know you look at it and see fat. I know it's hard. I know because I'm you and I've been there. So, listen. You think that nobody understands, but I do, I do because I went through that for four years too, and now? Now, I even finish off people's meals when they fail to. I eat entire pizzas at a time because I've learnt that that shit is good. And I make pasta for about 3 people, and eat it in one sitting. It sucks so much how hard it is for you right now, but your first baby step is to stop documenting what you eat in a day. Start now. I'm not saying that it all goes away, because it doesn't. But it gets so much easier, the guilt lessens, and you can enjoy meals now - and the best thing is? You're not even fat! Just a lot healthier than you were before. Baby steps.

You're going to go to the doctors soon and they're going to tell you what you have known all along. They're going to give you pills and they're going to send you on your way. Those pills are going to make you feel so sick. Let me tell you something. You don't need them. You just need to find the strength within yourself. Teachers are going to take you aside and they're going to act concerned and they're going to pester you within an inch of your life. They're going to begin to treat you as if you're unstable and although you're going to hate it now - it's probably one of the best things that could have happened. Milk it. Take full advantage of those days that you're allowed to sit somewhere and miss lessons with permission, because those are the days that you giggle about now (although we don't talk about the serious stuff - we always give that one the miss). School is so important though, remember that.

Your parents aren't all that bad either - give them a break. They love you so much, they're just looking out for you. When Mum has a go at you for certain things, you probably deserve it. I mean, inviting two dickhead boys around was not a cool idea - you definitely knew that before you even did it.

Your "goth friends" are complete tools. Get there first and get rid, because they aren't half mean, conniving, twits. You're too good for them.

Education wise, that's going to be a roller coaster. You're going to think that you know what you want to do several times - I won't tell you what you're just about to graduate with a degree in - but let me tell you, you won't even be able to guess. But you have made the best friends, the best choices, and you have grown up so, so much. It has given you years away from this town, and I genuinely feel that it brought you back to health. Your parents are even contemplating moving away too! I know!! Go and mention it to them now - I'm sure they'll have a right giggle about it.

So, to finalise this letter, I just want to tell you that you will be okay. You are going to go through so. much. shit. You are going to question everything you ever knew and have ever known. You are going to hit the bottom - but your strength will enable you to crawl back up. And guess what? It is entirely worth it. Life is beautiful. You are going to see new places, meet new people, experience things you never thought you would. You're currently planning to travel, something that you have always wanted to do! The silver lining is so, so bright - you just need to open your eyes.

Laura, I can't tell you that you're the best looking girl, and I definitely can't tell you that your weight is acceptable. I can't tell you what life is going to bring or what your future relationships will turn out like. I can't tell you what grades you get at school or what you do afterwards.

What I can tell you? I can tell you that the scales are not your friend, leave them alone. I can tell you that alcohol fades out of your life, and slowly begins to become enjoyable over the years rather than a sucky resort to your moods. I can tell you that you're happy. I can tell you that the people that leave your life are better to be left behind, because you're not disposable. I can tell you that your Mum is your best friend and you have two (yes, two) nightmare siblings that you love with all of your heart. Oh, and yes, Wayne is still around too. In fact, right now he is moaning about not being able to work the laptop, things don't change much.

But I can tell you that your world changes.
I love you, Laura Blake.
I love you so much that I helped you get better, I helped you realise your worth, and I helped you kick ass. I also helped you get a B in GCSE maths (I know right! *high five*)
Now, stop reading this and go and eat some cereal for supper, because that shit is the bomb.

Oh, and also.... google Kathryn Perry.
See ya. xxx

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