Little Lessons

Wednesday, 29 April 2015

So, I'm a bit of a tit. Little bit. I do stupid things and I sit and ponder about how and why it happened and why I am such a plonker. This happens at least once every day. Maybe twice. But sometimes I consider myself to be a super duper brainy-ass genius ready to take over the world. So here are some lessons that I have learnt and I am passing on to you cherubs in case one day you ever encounter these situations.

  1. Don't iron clothes with plastic wallets around. They stick to the iron, melt, and are not easily removed. Consider yourselves warned.

  2. Don't gargle your mouthwash too hard - it spurts out of your mouth like a blowhole and falls directly into your eye. It hurts.

  3. If you are in a rush around town, or just want a quick trip - wear shoes that clip-clop. People hear you coming and move out the way so there is no awkwardly walking slowly behind people.

  4. Remember to take your bra off before you shower. It has happened countless times. Including once when I was seeing somebody new and had to put the bra on straight after my shower, soaking wet, and had to try and disguise the boob wet patches on my shirt.  Not. Cool.

  5. Don't believe somebody that says that they don't snore Just don't do it. If they say they don't, automatically think that they do - it will save your sleep at 2am, 3:30am, 4am, 5am etc. And prevent tears. Many tears.

  6. Before you spend 20 minutes zipping up your way over-packed suitcase, remember that you need underwear out of it to wear after you change out of your current pyjamas. Unless you enjoy going commando, then you let that breeze flow!

  7. Hairspray is not deodorant. Neither is heat protection spray. Or dry shampoo.

  8. If you hear somebody singing Jessie J's 'It's my party' whilst walking down the street and wonder who it is - it is you.

  9. If a man brings over afternoon tea to you when you didn't order it, don't smile and say 'thank you' - it isn't free cake. The women behind you ordered it.

  10. Your tipsy state is not an acceptable excuse to hiccup really loud followed by an exaggerated raspberry to exhale. On a very busy bus.
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