2015: Love, Life & Laura


I started 2015 not knowing what or who I wanted. In fact. I started 2015 feeling very confused about my feelings, over one person who particular who I couldn't quite pin-point. I couldn't quite figure out my feelings. I just knew I was scared of any form of commitment, and therefore backed away from something that could have quite possibly have been amazing. But I couldn't have known. Backing away from people and putting an indestructible wall up around my feelings is what I do best, and with this person it was up stronger than ever. With that guard up, I went on dates with people that I have had previous encounters with, and it taught me that I didn't actually want to keep revisiting sparks that once were. In fact, I wanted to snuff out those sparks and keep my eyes open for one far away with no common connections or mutual friends. That lasted a fair few months. A few weeks endlessly swiping left, turning down dates because we had too many mutual friends and finally, I am looking for perfection. It doesn't exist, so how the bloody hell was I supposed to do that? Fast forward to the end of the year and I am straight back to where I was at the beginning. Do I mind as much? Yes. Am I going to put my guard down a little? Hell no. Am I going to give them a chance? Maybe.


2015 marks the end of my education. For now, anyway.
The first few months of the year were spent in endless library sessions, slowly crumbling over my dissertation, crying over what I assumed were failed exams, and struggling to finish third year. But I did it. I did it and I graduated with a 2:1 (let's not mention the 2 marks off a first...) and I thank God almost every day that third year is over. It was hell on a stick, but the feeling at graduation was worth it. The saddest thing about the whole things is that I no longer get to see my friends every single day - and it's definitely the hardest.
I finally had my first taste of the world! I spent my June (and a little bit of July) travelling around Europe and becoming accustomed to cultures and things that I had never encountered before. It was amazing and I only wish I had the funds to return to some of the places that I visited whenever I desire. Even through the exhausting night trains, the long days before check-in, the unexpected rain falls and the constantly getting completely lost - it was one of the best experiences of my life, and I can't wait for my next adventure, whenever that may be.
I also moved home and started a new job. It is not where I want to be at all, it's all just temporary - but I have been lucky enough to be able to work in a place where I get along with my fellow workmates and never fail to laugh during a shift. It always brings light into the dull days.
And of course, I welcomed a big eared friend into my life in the form of Waffle. My best friend and companion.


It saddens me to not be able to end this post as positive as last years. But the truth is, not everything can be converted into sunshine and rainbows when your mind just isn't in it. I want so much in my life to be different. So, so much. But I'm trying to focus on things that didn't feel possible a few months ago, such as making new friends, meeting new people, and doing things with my life other than work. It's the nicest thing to have somebody to go 'hey, fancy doing this?' and knowing they'll be there within the hour. But I just don't feel like me anymore. I constantly feel sad, down and angry about things in life, and it shows towards people. So much so, I'm practically avoiding all human life completely when I have the chance to. I'm confused at what is happening around me and it's made me unsettled and sad, and I have no idea how to shake it off and not dwell in it.
But, you know what? I have achieved so much in 2015 and that is what I need to remember and focus on. And also, 16 is my lucky number. Let's hope it proves itself, huh? I mean, how can you look up when you've never been down?

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