It's Okay Not To Know It All

Tuesday, 27 June 2017

It's Saturday night. I'm sat beneath my quilt cover, ignoring the fact that I am beginning to slowly overheat and instead favouring the notional feeling of safety with my feet tucked away. My hands are cradling a mug of chamomile tea in an attempt to tire out the endlessly turning cogs within my brain and in the hope that my eyelids will soon start to become heavy.
It's the first real moment that I have had to myself this week, the first real moment that I am able to sit and reflect on the goings on around me, the events that have occurred, and how my life is beginning to change. 

Life is strange. Complicated. Stressful. Beautiful. Fragile. It's made up of every decision you ever make, every person you allow in your life, every event that shocks you to the core and every emotion that you allow yourself to feel.
It's amazing. You can reach out your hand to grab another and interlock fingers as if they were made for no other reason. You can kiss, smile, play, touch, feel. You can find somebody that laughs at the same dumb jokes that you do. You can choose to be whoever that you want to be. You can make great decisions, you can make bad decisions, all with consequences and all filled with lessons to be learnt. You can have your cake and eat it, no matter what anybody says. You can say yes, or you can say no, with difficulty or with ease. You can run and jump high over obstacles or you can slow right down and run the other way. You can be impulsive, or you can take your time. You can be whoever you want to be, shaped with everything that you have done and that you will do.


My life right now isn't what I expected it would be when I hit the age of twenty-five. I thought I would know who I am, what I wanted, what my next steps were and who I'd wake up to every morning. I thought I'd have it all figured out. I thought I'd know it all.
'It all' is far from what I know. 

But I'm not too sure that I want to, either.

If I knew it all, then where would be the surprises? The unexpected? The terrifying yet exciting thoughts of 'what if?'. If I knew it all, then I'd know exactly where I was going, what I was doing, what I'm heading towards, and then if I knew all that, then, would there be any point at all?

Life is interesting, to say the least. Busy, intense, full-on and miles from anything I imagined it would become. But it's mine. And as soon as I learnt that it's not possible to control everything, I learnt that it's actually okay not to know everything either.

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